Title: Some Pills, a Pencil, and a Little Saliva
Authors: SaRa and Tara C.
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: We ain't control freaks. We don't own them. Any resemblance between our characters and those from any other TV show are purely intentional...er, we mean unintentional. Yeah. That's it...
Author's note: Oh, God, we've done it again. Run fast, hard, and away if you don't think you can handle another SaRa and Tara C. fic. ;o)



"C'mon Kate, er, Kathryn...breathe, dammit, breathe!" Robert ordered, portraying the desperate Chakotay. He was doing it very well considering the fact that he was on cloud nine because he was being allowed to almost kiss Kate on camera.

"Cut!" moaned Les Landau.

Robert changed from giving Kate CPR to kissing her.

"Peter, John, Joseph, and all the saints...CUT!"

"That's a new one, Les," George Jetson said from behind the director.

Les, tired of having the much taller man dog his every step, turned around and said, "Boo."

George dashed off, petrified.

Les turned back to Robert and Kate, finding them still passionately kissing. Or, Robert was passionately kissing Kate while she was trying to shove him off her. "Robert, there is NO NECKING on the SET!" Les bellowed.

Robert pulled away. "Huh? I wasn't doing anything. I was rehearsing the scene with Kate. You know. Acting. It's what I do."

"Like hell you were acting," returned Les. "Now, would you be so kind as to tell me her name?"

"Kate," Robert replied instantly.

Crack!

"Try again."

"Kathy."

Crack!

This time, it was Kate's hand print on his face.

"Kate, you're smudging my makeup," Robert complained.

Les counted to ten three times. "Karen! My medication...I - I...I NEED my med-med-mediCATION!"

"Which one, sir?" Karen screamed back.

"Shh!" he hissed loudly, making a slicing motion across his neck.

"Well, I just want to know if you wanted the purple one, the green one, or --"

He continued making the motion and trying to silence Karen.

"Sir?" Karen said.

At this point, Kate buried her face in Robert's chest to keep herself from laughing like an idiot and drawing attention away from the comical scene.

"What?" snapped Les.

"It's you left eye, sir. It's twitching."

"No, it isn't," he said while covering his right eye.

"Sir, that's your right eye," Karen told him.

Les quickly moved his hand to cover his left eye. "I knew that. For your information, a bug flew in it."

Karen looked confused. "But sir, we're indoors."

"Somebody left the God damn door open, okay? Kay? Huh?"

"But I didn't see a bug," Karen protest.

"All right, then. It was a piece of dust."

"Sir?"

"What is it now, Karen?"

"It's your right eye. It's twitching, sir."

"No, it's not. My contact's bothering me."

"You don't wear contacts, sir," Karen reminded Les.

"How would you know?" he demanded.

"Because I know everything about everybody who's ever walked through those doors. I even know when Kate has -- "

"Don't go there, Karen," Kate warned, lifting her head from Robert's chest momentarily.

"Right," Karen replied. "I even know what size shoe Robert wears."

"Nice save," Kate commented.

"Thanks," Karen mumbled. "I'll just go get your medication now, sir."

She began to walk away, but quickly turned back. "Sir, are you okay? Your head looks like it's about to twitch right off your body."

He waved her off between spasms. "Just go get the medication."

"Okay. So I'll get you the yellow one for that and the purple ones for --"

"No. No need to say what they're for. Just bring them. Five of them. Bring five of them."

"Halves or wholes?" Karen asked in response.

"Wholes, Karen. Please, if you never trust me on anything again, trust me on this. Don't be cutting them half. Please don't cut them in half," Kate jumped in.

"Are you done yet?" Les asked, his muscles still twitching away.

"Just about," Kate replied, smiling.

"Five of each or -- "

Once again, Les interrupted. "Each, please."

"Coffee or water?"

"Just bring the pills. Bring it on." His arm started to spasm before he could rub his hands together greedily. "Uh oh. Now I'm starting to...spaz again. You know last time that happened, well, you see that scar under my right eye -- that is NOT twitching? You see, I was writing a note. And I'll...I'll give you a hint. It's not a paper cut."

"You stabbed yourself with a pencil?" guessed Robert, who had been too busy toying with Kate's hair to pay much attention to his surroundings.

"No, my finger. Yes, a pencil. Very good, Robert," Les snapped.

Robert walked away from Kate and picked up a pencil, which he shoved into Les's hand. "Here, why don't you show us?"

"NO!" screamed Les, as he tried to hold his arm away from his eye. He let out a wail as he flew backwards off his chair, fighting off his own right arm as he tried to stab himself. "No, get back! Leave me alone!" he yelled.

When Robert walked back to Kate, she leaned over and said, "I know what that purple pill is for now. He has a split personality disorder."

"Argh!" came a scream from Les. After a moment of silence, he could be heard saying, "Well, my left eye permanently stopped twitching. Karen, I only need three of the yellow pills now!"

"Okay, sir, I'll just put two of them back in," Karen said as she walked over to where he was prone on the floor. She gasped and then said in a calming whisper, "Sir, I don't want to alarm you, but you have a pencil sticking out of your left eye."

"Thank you, Karen. Now, just give me the pills. No, wait. Throw them in. I can't see."

"Yes, sir," Karen responded, not bothering to remind him that he was still flipped over on his back.

He began gasping for air and turning slightly blue.

"Sir, your face is turning blue. Do you want me to get your medicine for that, too?"

"Air!" he gasped.

Kate rolled her eyes. "Would somebody please step on his stomach before I'm forced to come over there and step a little lower?"

Karen jammed the heel of her shoe into his stomach and he spat out the pills. "Sir, you're wheezing," she said.

"Leave," he wheezed.

"Do you want your inhaler?" Karen asked.

He wheezed again.

"Right. Leaving."

Five minutes later, everyone had calmed down and Karen had called an ambulance for Les. Knowing it would be almost an hour before the ambulance arrived, Les decided to work through the pain and take another shot at Janeway's death scene.

"Robert, no kissing this time. There is a difference between CPR and kissing," Les said.

"Since when?" complained Robert.

"Since, oh, I don't know...forever, maybe," Kate chimed in.

"Okay, take seven and...action!" called Les.

"C'mon, Kathryn! Breathe, dammit, breathe!" Robert said, saliva spraying out of his mouth.

This time, it was Kate's fault that the scene was ruined. "I want the news, not the," she spat in his general direction, "weather, Spitty!"

"Huh?" he asked, saliva running down his chin.

"Cut for the love of my lack of sanity!" hollered Les. One more mistake and he'd do them all in: he'd get the writers to change Robert's part to Ethan Phillips', which Kate would not be at all happy about.

"Do you need mommy to clean up your face? Does Robert want a napkin?" she asked in a patronizing tone.

Robert jumped on the opportunity and said, "Robert wants a kiss."

"Not with that mess on your face."

He looked puzzled. "What's wrong with my face? It's always beautiful."

Kate snickered. "Yeah, after they put the makeup on."

"I resent that!"

"You resemble that."

"Sir," Karen said to Les, "I think they're flirting again."

"I have had enough of this. Kate, Robert, listen up. From now on, there is no flirting on the set!" Les said to them.

"Sir," said Karen, "I don't think that's going to stop them."

At that moment, several paramedics rushed onto the set, ready to help Les. What they didn't know was that only a psychologist could help him now. They approached him, not wise enough to flee while they could.

"Oh, my throbbing, twitching head," moaned Les.

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