Title: The Actors, the Aspirin, and the Camera
Authors: SaRa and Tara C.
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: The actors and crew and so on sure as hell aren't ours (Oh, how I wish! Robert, c'mere!) and neither is Star Trek, which belongs to Paramount.
Authors' note: You asked for another one, you got another one! (Well, three of you asked anyway.) Anyway, this is an explanation of why Chakotay wasn't in the scene where everyone is talking about their ancestors in 11:59. Pure fiction, people, remember that. And please excuse the shameless plug for another one of our stories, it was purely intentional.



"Take three and...action!" Ron Surma called in his soft voice.

Before anyone could say a word, Robert Beltran scooted over on the couch and pulled Kate Mulgrew onto his lap.

"Comfy?" she asked sarcastically, turning her head to glare at him.

He considered this a moment. "You know, if you don't move left a little, we may never have kids."

The other actors on the set chuckled and Brannon Braga, who had just walked onto the stage, was rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Oh, God, I just got on the set and," he raised his voice, "KAREN! My aspirin. I need my aspirin."

His blonde assistant ran over to him, an open bottle of aspirin in one hand and two pills in the other.

Brannon took the two aspirin and swallowed them, and then downed the rest that were in the bottle. He handed the empty container back to Karen who peered into it. "Wow, he even swallowed the cotton. That's a first."

"Cut," Ron said quietly.

No one heard him except for Braga who was standing right next to him. After pulling a piece of cotton out of his mouth and clearing his throat, he offered, "Let me show you how it's done, Ron.

"CUT!" he bellowed. "Robert, there is NO CUDDLING on the set!"

Meanwhile, the cameraman jumped and bumped the camera, knocking a piece off it. "I wonder if we need this," he muttered, trying to find what was missing.

Robert looked confused. "You mean there's no snuggling in the script? I guess I must've read 'Dating Gretchen's Daughter' too many times last night."

Brannon started to ask what he was talking about, but cut himself off with, "Never mind, I probably don't want to know."

"I wonder if I could just stick this somewhere," the cameraman said, still trying to figure out where the piece had come from.

"I'll tell you where you could stick it, Einstein," Brannon snapped.

Albert frowned. "Do you want me to fix it?"

Brannon took a deep breath. "Yes. Yes, that would be nice. Very nice."

"Now?"

"No, tomorrow. Yes, now!"

"Sally!" Albert called to the make-up artist. "Where does this go?"

She took a glance at the object the cameraman was holding in his hand. "That's the lens cap, Albert. It goes over the camera lens when you're not filming. Just set it on top of the camera for now," she answered.

"Thanks, Sally!" he yelled as Sally went back to fixing Ethan Phillips' make-up.

"Okay, let's try this again, people," Ron said as everyone except the actors walked out of the camera's view. "Take four and...action!"

This time, Robert didn't move over. He draped his arm along the back of the couch and around Kate's shoulders.

"Cut, cut, cut!" Brannon yelled.

"Hey, who's the director here?" Ron asked quietly.

"I wrote this script and I deal with these people more often, so shut up," Brannon shot. "Robert," he continued, "sit still. Don't move, don't breathe, don't do anything except silently pray that I don't kill you."

"I'm sorry, it just comes naturally to me. Like acting," Robert said.

"No, Robert," Kate corrected, "it comes naturally to you like being a -- "

Smash!

George gasped as he watched the cardboard background fall over.

"One...two...three...ten! JETSON, YOU'RE FIRED!" Brannon screamed.

George shrugged. "Three more seconds than last time."

Brannon took a calming breath. "Everyone, take five while I find some genius to fix up the set."

"Maybe you should have Sally fix it. She's good with the camera," Robert suggested.

"It was a lens cap, Robert. A monkey could've figured it out!" Braga said.

"That's insulting to the monkeys," Albert chimed in. "Wait, I just insulted myself."

"Albert, take five. Better yet, take five centuries," Brannon instructed.

"Well, technically, that would take me right up to the time of Star Trek because it's in the future and.... Are you going to punch me or give me the finger?" Albert asked Brannon who was waving his fist in Albert's face. "Oh, look, you're giving me the finger. Now, do you want me to go that way or are you just giving me the finger?"

"Both."

Albert nodded. "Okay, then, buh-bye." He walked off.

Kate stood up and moved away from Robert, who was on the couch. He closed his eyes and leaned back, putting his arm around whom he assumed was Kate.

"Hi, Robert," Robbie McNeil's voice said.

Robert jumped. "Yick! Where'd Kate go?"

Robbie pointed to Kate who was sitting in her chair behind the cameras.

"Thanks." He hurried off in that direction.

When Kate saw him a few feet away, she stood up.

"Why did you leave me?" Robert asked.

"Why not?" she replied, shrugging.

"I thought you loved me, Kate," he whined.

She snorted. "What kind of chemical compound are you on and why aren't you sharing?"

"But, Kate, that's what you said last night when -- "

Crack!

"Ow," he whined, rubbing his cheek. "Sorry I'm acting wacky, but I just put my arm around Robbie, thinking he was you."

"I thought we knew each other a little better than that," Kate said, scrunching up her nose.

"You know, you look adorable when you do that, Kate," Robert said.

"Do what?"

"Never mind." Beltran collapsed into the chair next to Kate's.

A few people walked behind him and snickered when they saw what his chair said.

"Is my hair messed up?" he asked.

"No."

"Do I have a 'Kick me' sign on my back?" he asked, feeling the back of his costume.

Kate shrugged.

Robert turned and looked at the back of his chair. "Hey, wait a second. That's not right. That isn't my name. Hey, Brannon, I think I have your chair!" Robert called. "It says 'dumb ass' on it."

Brannon turned and, without blinking, said, "You must because mine says 'fucking dumb ass.'"

Kate snickered, but quickly caught herself before bursting out laughing.

"Hey," Jeri said when she walked over, "mine says 'my size Barbie.'"

Everyone began comparing insults and then Robert pointed out what it said on Kate's chair: princess angel.

"Tim did it," she lied. "I can't help it if he likes me more than any of you."

No one bought it for even a fraction of a second.

"Okay, everybody, set's up. Let's film this scene," called Braga.

The actors all took their places.

"Action!" Surma called, before Braga could jump in ahead of him.

Again, Robert ruined the scene before anyone could begin acting. "Kate, I love you," he declared, leaning back on the couch and pulling her on top of him, so they were face to face.

She sighed. "I love you, too, Robert."

"Kiss me," he demanded.

"Go to hell," she replied.

"Later then?" he asked, hopefully.

"Yeah, sure. For now, go to hell."

"Okay!" he replied, his day now officially made.

"Cut!" Braga yelled. "Ron, get Robert Picardo in here. Get Beltran out. Film the other version of this scene that I made up. I knew this would happen. Ever since those two kissed during that bathtub scene in season two, they've been acting like this. Anyway, I'm out of here. Good riddance." He walked away, bumping into a camera. "Sorry, ma'am," he said, the numerous aspirin and cotton ball now kicking in.

Robert walked off the set, looking very much like a lost puppy.

"Okay, everyone, take six and...action!" Surma called.

"I love you, Kate! Don't forget about our date at lunch!" Robert hollered, ruining the scene a final time.

Braga, who was walking out the door, yelled, "For the love of God, cut damn it!"

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