Title: The Affair, the Mouse, and the Ambulance
Authors: SaRa and Tara C.
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This fic was born out of pure boredom while sitting in a theater packed with fellow grade school students and neither Tara (my partner in slime) nor I mean any offense to Kate Mulgrew, Robert Beltran, or anyone else. If either of them reads this I'll want (a) to know how the hell they got it and (b) an e-mail from them. (I'll except flames from celebs!) Oh, yeah, I threw in some stuff with Voyager, so I should say that Paramount owns it!
Authors' note: I blame Tara for agreeing with me and Melisma for getting me to type this thing up. I cannot stress enough that this is pure fiction! (Just covering my ass, here, people.)
Authors' note #2: Okay, so this got a little sillier than I wanted and probably more than you were expecting. *shrugs* This is what happens when Tara goes from helping me dream up the concept to actually writing it with me. Hope you like it!

Dedication: For Melisma (who is, no doubt, hanging around under her rock) and the rest of the twentysome people who requested a copy of this the first time around.



Kate Mulgrew and Robert Beltran were currently sitting next to each other on a couch. They were on the set of Captain Janeway's quarters on board Voyager.

Robert smiled and said his line, "We've been down this road before."

"Have we?" returned Kate, acting as Captain Kathryn Janeway might.

"You wanting answers to questions you shouldn't ask," Robert recited.

"But something did happen outside the -- oh, hell. Chakotay, there's something I've been meaning to tell you...." If they used this take, Kate thought, the Janeway-Chakotay fans would be in her debt forever.

Robert tugged on his ear, thoroughly confused.

Kate pounced on him, knocking him back on the couch.

"What the -- "

"Shh, Chakotay. Don't you want to hear this?" she asked, running her hand through his hair.

"Now that you mention it, I -- "

Once again, he was interrupted. "I want you, Chakotay. I've wanted you since we were stuck on that planet all those years ago."

"Cut, cut, and cut!" yelled Terry Windell, the director. "It's time for lunch anyways. Kate, when you get back, I don't want to hear you mangle your lines again, got it?"

"I know my lines, Terry. I just chose not to say them," Kate protested, climbing off a dazed and confused Robert.

There were snorts of forced laughter, eye rolling, and comments of, "Sure you do!" and "We believe you!" from the crew.

Kate shrugged. They could believe what they wanted to, but she really had known her lines. They were just getting extremely boring. They'd been trying to get the scene right all day, but nothing had been going right. The first time, Robert sneezed as soon as Terry had said, "Action!" The next, the lighting was off. From there, it had only gone downhill. Someone tripped something and downed the power in half on the city for fifteen minutes. Nothing was going right.

"C'mon, Robert." Kate grabbed his hand and dragged him off the set, which was quite comical considering the difference in their sizes.

"Where are we going?" he asked, hating to feel this clueless.

"There."

"There? Ooh, there!" he said, putting a heavy emphasis on his last "there."

Kate rolled her eyes. Sometimes he was as dense as a brick wall. "Yeah. There."

A few seconds later, Robert flung open the door to their private spot. "We're here. Or do I mean there?"

She looked at him oddly and then followed him inside.

Right after the door closed, something small, fuzzy, and brown darted across the floor.

Robert darted to hide behind Kate. "What was that?" he asked, eyes shooting back and forth.

"It was just a mouse, Robert. Now stop trying to hide behind me, you know it doesn't work."

He paled. "A...a mouse?" His eyes went wide as he leaped up onto the room's only piece of furniture: a metal folding chair.

Kate stayed on the ground and planted her hands on her hips, preparing for what was sure to follow.

"Kill it, Kate, kill it!" he yelped pitifully.

She took a deep, calming breath. "I will not kill it. It never did anything to you or me -- well, to me, anyway. It seems to have scared the daylights out of you."

"Just...just get it out of here," he whined, still standing on the chair.

"Fine, you big baby." She walked over to the door and opened it. She watched the mouse run out the door and then watched Brannon Braga stop dead in his tracks.

Brannon? Oh, no.

He cleared his throat. "Um...Kate?"

"Yes?" she replied sweetly, innocently.

Blinking several times, Braga asked, "What are you and Robert doing in here?"

Kate smirked. "The same thing that you and Jeri do in here, Brannon."

"I resent that. Jeri --"

Robert jumped in with, "Kate, look. His twin -- I mean, the mouse is on his shoulder! Come over here and keep that thing away from me!"

"Which one?" she muttered, taking the mouse off Brannon's shoulder.

In a huff, Brannon stormed away.

"Feel free to get down now," she said, looking up at Robert.

He climbed down from the chair.

"Oh, shoot! We were supposed to be back on the set five minutes ago. Terry is going to kill us," Kate announced, looking at her watch.

Robert shrugged. "What's five more minutes then?"

"Ten. Ten, duh."

"Ten what?"

"Minutes, Half-wit, minutes!"

"Huh?"

"Five minutes plus five minutes is ten minutes."

"Very good, you can do simple math. Now who asked?"

Pointing, she ordered, "Get out!"

"Why? This isn't your place," he returned.

"Nor is it yours. Now, get out."

A proverbial light bulb appeared over his head. "Why don't we both get out?"

"You first. After all, it is ladies first," she snapped.

He snorted. "Fine."

He threw the door open so hard it almost flew off its hinges.

Thud! Crunch!

"Ow! There is pain happening here. Ow."

"Terry!" Kate exclaimed, recognizing the director's voice.

"First, what were you two doing in there? Second, would you please call an ambulance?"

"We were -- " Robert began, but was cut off by Kate.

"It doesn't matter, but if you really have to know, he was standing on a chair, hiding from a mouse."

"Great," said the confused director. "Now, would you call me an ambulance?"

Robert smiled. "All right. You're an ambulance, Terry." He then walked away.

"I'll call an ambulance, Terry, but don't you want to hear me do my lines first? Don't worry, I'm just kidding," Kate grinned.

"Thank you." A pause. "Ever hear of someone bleeding to death?"

Kate looked blank. "Oh. Right! I'll call."

"One more question. What do you see in Robert anyway?"

Her face fell. Surely they weren't that obvious! "Who says I see anything in him?"

"You two are having an affair, that about says it all."

"Who said that? Was it those crazy JCers? They're always starting stuff like that."

"Kate, it's obvious," Terry said gently.

"What is? That he's good in bed? Oh, shoot! I didn't mean to say that."

"Call an ambulance, Kate."

"Gotcha."

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