Title: Dating Grethchen's Daughter
Authors: SaRa and Tara C.
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Paramount. Yeah, Paramount. We hate -- er, love Paramount.
Author's note: Many thanks to whomever came up with "Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter" and "Application for Permission to Date My Daughter."



Chakotay walked up the path to the Janeways' house, expecting that his and Kathryn's first date back on Earth would be no different from their many dates in the Delta Quadrant. After all, he was only going to meet her mother, Gretchen, for maybe five minutes. Then it was off to a local restaurant for dinner and, later, back to his house for "dessert."

Smiling to himself, he rang the doorbell.

"Gretchen, could you get that?" Kathryn yelled from upstairs.

Gretchen yelled back, "Young lady, if you call me Gretchen again, I'll --"

Ding-dong!

"I'm coming! Keep your pants on! Jesus Christ, people today have no patience!" She stormed out of the kitchen and threw open the door. "What?" she demanded.

"Um," he stammered, "I'm here to pick up Kathryn."

Gretchen snorted. "You and the rest of the scum in this galaxy, boy. You're the fifth tonight!"

Chakotay looked at the short, gray-haired woman incredulously. "Excuse me?"

Rolling her eyes, she said, "I was just joking. Where's your sense of humor, son?" Had she been taller, she would've slapped him on the back, but she wasn't, causing Chakotay to say, "Um, Mrs. Janeway, could you, uh, remove your, uh, hand from my, um, ass?"

Frowning heavily, Gretchen yelled up the stairs, "Kathryn, did you know that devil swears?"

"No, Mother, I didn't know you swore!" an agitated Kathryn called back from her bedroom.

"Kathryn Buffy Janeway!" Gretchen screamed so loudly Chakotay resisted the urge to cover his ears.

"Gretchen!"

At this, Chakotay laughed, which was a big mistake. "Chakotay!" came at him in surround sound, making him stop.

Gretchen cleared her throat, putting on a voice that was dripping with sweetness. "Chakotay, why don't you come in?"

Chakotay was taken aback by her sudden change of attitude, but followed her into the living room anyway. When he moved to sit on the couch, Gretchen said, "I did not, repeat not, tell you that you can sit down!"

He jumped up as if he'd sat on a tack.

"Now, you may sit."

"Um, on the couch?" he asked.

Gretchen growled. "No, on the floor, stupid."

Thud.

"Ow, my ass," Chakotay muttered, rubbing the aforementioned area.

"You seem to be rather fond of that word," Gretchen noted.

"So am I. Rather, his," Kathryn could be heard saying.

Exhaling heavily, Gretchen said, "On the couch, junior."

Chakotay obeyed quickly, valuing his life.

Clapping her hands together and smiling, she said, "Now, for your entertainment, or rather mine, I'd like you to read over these rules and answer a few simple questions. Honestly. Extremely honestly. Now, lie down. You make a better target that way." Gretchen leaned back in her chair as he made himself comfortable on the couch.

Oh, Spirits, he thought, she's going to throw that padd at me. Please, please, let it land above my waist. "I feel like I'm in a counselor's office," he said aloud.

"Very good. Now, how long have you had these delusions of being good enough for my daughter?" she asked as she threw the padd at him.

He drew in a sharp breath as it landed on his stomach.

"Read over that and answer the questions after you tell me about these delusions of yours," Gretchen instructed.

Chakotay licked his lips. "Well, I wouldn't call them delusions..."

Glaring at him, she said, "If you give them another name, you can just hand me that padd and I'll throw it at you again. And this time, I won't miss."

He made a whimpering noise in his throat. "Delusions? Yes, that's a good name for them. They've been going on for about six years."

Shaking her head sadly, Gretchen said, "You poor dear."

"Mother, I am not deaf!" Kathryn screamed, still in the process of fixing her hair.

"Now her hearing kicks in. She didn't hear me when I told her to live a life of abstinence, did she? No. I even gave her a padd full of information about it."

That was too much information, thought Chakotay.

"Stop thinking those things, boy," Gretchen warned.

Chakotay got a surprised look on his face and stuttered, "How did you know what I'm thinking?"

"I'm a mother. Mothers can read minds."

Chakotay had a revelation. "So that's how Mom knew what happened that one night when I was thirteen. No wonder she gave me all of those dirty looks and my father gave me all of those talks..."

"Anyhow, why don't you read those rules and answer those questions now," Gretchen ordered. "You might want to pay close attention to rule number four. And, by the way, there's a test on them after your date. If I let you go."

He picked up the padd and began to read. Rule number two, he read. You don't touch my daughter in front of me. You can glance at her, so long as your eyes do not go past her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off her, I will remove them. "Aww," he practically whined.

"If you're on rule number two, I suggest leaving. Now," Gretchen warned.

"Okay, rule number three doesn't apply to me. I don't wear my pants hanging half way off my ass," he said, louder than intended.

"Darn shame, too!" Kathryn called. She'd made progress and was now applying make-up.

That woman has great hearing, Chakotay thought. Then again, that isn't the only great thing she has, he corrected himself. Continuing his reading, his face fell on number four.

"You aren't on number four, are you? The one about using a barrier method when having sex?" Gretchen questioned.

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Mother!" Kathryn's voice grew louder with each word.

"Kathryn, I told you not to use those names in that order!" Gretchen scolded.

"Sorry. Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. Mother!"

Gretchen took a deep breath and said, "One of these days I'm going to haul off and deck her."

Chakotay jumped into first officer and overprotective boyfriend mode and said, "Hey! Don't hurt my Kathryn!"

"Your Kathryn? Excuse me? Fill out that application and we'll talk. Well, I'll talk and you'll listen. Carefully."

Chakotay hurried through the rest of the rules and began to fill out the application. When he came across number eight, he panicked.

It asked if he had an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or tattoo. Then it stated that if he answered yes to any of these he was to discontinue the application and leave.

Frantically, he began to brush his hair down over his tattoo.

Kathryn chose this moment to walk into the living room. She was putting a silver hoop earring in. Finishing that task, she walked over to Chakotay and kissed him. "Move over, love," she said.

He complied and she laid down next to him, both recieving a death glare from the elder Janeway.

"Oh, Mother, don't have a pig," Kathryn sighed.

"Too late. You're here, aren't you?" she snapped.

Kathryn bolted upright with every intention of strangling her mother.

"No. No, Kathryn, you don't want to get blood all over your new dress," Chakotay said as he grabbed her around the waist while she lunged for her mother.

"Chakotay," Gretchen warned, "question ten asks you what 'Don't touch my daughter' means. Did you have trouble with that one?"

"Um," he managed, "I didn't see it?"

"Don't you lie to me, buster," Gretchen snapped.

After everyone had calmed down as much as they were going to, Chakotay continued with the application. "Um, Kathryn? Could you help me with this one?"

"Which one?"

"Number eleven."

"Eleven? Oh, that one. Um, why don't you deal with that yourself?"

"I'm not sure how to word it," he said lamely.

"You wouldn't know what abstinence is, now would you?" Gretchen commented.

Chakotay protested, "I know, but I don't know how to put it into words."

"Chakotay, look," Kathryn said, "what it means is if we have sex, my mother will kill both of us."

"Oh, right!" he exclaimed. Then, he looked confused. "But, Kathryn, we're not dead."

She blushed deep red and elbowed him in the stomach. "Chakotay!" she hissed.

"I knew I couldn't trust you," Gretchen said, pretending to be disappointed.

"Chakotay, could you hurry up and finish that so we can go?" Kathryn asked, smiling at him.

"And who said you're going anywhere, young lady?" Gretchen asked.

"Since I'm over eighteen, I did," Kathryn snapped.

Gretchen gave a half-laugh. "I'll say you're over eighteen."

"Mother dearest, you're just making yourself older." She punctuated this statement with a smirk.

"Please, please, no bloodshed. I really want both of you to make it out of this alive," Chakotay interrupted.

"Okay, let's go." Kathryn grabbed the padd out of Chakotay's hand and threw it at her mother, smacking her in the head with it.

Gretchen's chair tipped backwards. She looked like a turtle that got flipped over.

Kathryn ignored this and grabbed Chakotay's hand, pulling him off the couch and leading him to the door.

"Huh?" He bolted upright, nearly knocking Kathryn over.

"I have to be back at my mother's in an hour," she replied as she climbed off him. "Then, in three hours, you'll be there to rescue me, right?"

"Um, can I wait outside and you just come out when you're ready?" he asked hopefully, thinking about the nightmare he'd had.

Kathryn sighed. "Rule number one, Chakotay. You have to come -- "

"-- inside to get you," he finished. "I know."

"How do you know?"

"I went through this already."

"When? You never even met my mother." She was looking at him oddly.

"I met her. In a vision."

Rolling her eyes and shaking her head, she said, "You're full of it, Chakotay."

"No, I'm not," he protested. "Just tell your mother that rule number three doesn't apply to me."

"Right," she said, totally clueless as to what he was talking about. "I'll see you later."

"You might want to put some clothes on before you go anywhere, Kath," he suggested, grinning at her.

Pretending to look thoughtful about it, she said, "You know, that might just be a good idea, but I have a better one."

"What's this idea of yours?" he asked.

"Why don't we just take what's left of these clothes off," she said, pouncing on him and tossing the sheet off to the side, "and take a shower."

"I like that idea."

home:/fic:/back:/feedback?