Title: CJ Janeway, Voyager's Child
Author: SaRa
Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Their daughter is my creation, the rest is Paramount's. Wanna trade?
Author's note: This idea has been bugging me for a while, so I decided to write it. Since you're reading this, I liked the results enough to share them.
Warning: This story is on the serious, depressing side. If you like light and fluffy, go play elsewhere.



..:::chakotay:::..

The happiest day of my life was about two years ago, when Kathryn called me over to her quarters. It wasn't unusual for her to do so; I was there often since we started dating. The idea of me visiting her wasn't unusual, but what had happened was....

"Kathryn?" I called softly as I stepped into her dimly lit quarters.

"Over here." She sounded distressed, so I hurried over and sat down next to her, collecting her tense body in my arms.

"What's wrong?"

She buried her face in my shoulder and I felt her start shaking as she began to cry. That didn't keep her from telling me what was going on, though. "Chakotay, I'm pregnant. God, I don't believe this is happening...."

I stared at her, trying to figure out why this was a bad thing. She must have noticed that I was at a loss because she said, "I don't want a child. Not now, maybe not ever. We haven't been together that long and we're not that serious yet. This was a total accident; it wasn't supposed to happen."

"You're still going to keep it, aren't you?" I asked. I was worried she'd say no. Even if she didn't want this child, I did with all my heart and soul.

She let out a heavy sigh. "Maybe."

"Kathryn, I love you very much. I'm extremely grateful we were given this chance. Please, don't take it away from us."

That night's conversation must have been her undoing because the next day she told me she was going to keep the child. That's how I got my wonderful CJ.

I truly hate this. I rather live on Voyager than here, on Earth. I can't remember Voyager too well because I only lived there for less than two years, even though I'm already fourteen and we've only just gotten back to Earth.

Yes, I know that isn't fourteen years. I've only been alive for a little over two years. You see, my mother and father flew the ship through an anomaly to get us home. The only thing is it advanced the ages of the Voyager kids: Miral, Naomi, R'Jal, Stephen, and me. All of a sudden, each of us became about twelve years older. At least we all had the knowledge to go with our ages. We'd look pretty dumb sitting in a preschool classroom.

Mom cried constantly for weeks, and I know Dad wanted to. They were so sad that they missed twelve years of my life. Well, news flash: I, CJ Janeway, didn't even get to live those years. I don't have any memories from them, just the knowledge. Excuse me if I sound the least bit bitter or anything.

Sometimes, I really hate them. I wish I had a normal mom and dad, not Captain Kathryn Janeway and Commander Chakotay who are so dumb they got trapped in the Delta Quadrant for nine years.

What I hate more are the pitying looks people give me when I walk by. The anomaly is no secret; everyone and his animal guide knows about it and what it did to us kids. I hate those looks. I'd rather be hated than pitied any day of the week, but that just isn't going to happen. No one can hate the daughter of Voyager's command team.

Well, maybe that's a lie. The aforementioned parents can hate her.

I don't know why I'm admitting this, but I'm not supposed to be here. I was an accident, a mistake, a serious faux pas and they resent me for that. I didn't know this until I accidentally deleted some incredibly long report Mom had been working on for Admiral Paris about the Delta Quadrant. I can hear -- and see -- what happened that day just after we got home....

"Oh, Spirits!"

"CJ, what's wrong?" Mom called, already on her way to the kitchen where I was standing.

Staring numbly at the padd, I said, "Mom, I lost your DQ report. I swear it was an accident!"

"I don't need any more 'accidents' in my life, CJ!" she hollered at me.

Before she was able to rip into me anymore, Dad was at her side. He pulled her to him -- and, even though they're a pain, I have to admit they make a cute couple -- and suggested that I go up stairs while he talked to Mom for a while.

That was how I found out that I wasn't planned. The three of us are the only people who know that, and for a good reason. Starfleet still wants to get the notorious Maquis leader behind a forcefield for good and would stop at nothing if the chance. If they knew I was an accident, they'd probably accuse the "Indian outlaw" of raping their favorite captain and forcing her to keep silent about it. They've all got overactive imaginations.

Maybe I don't really hate them, but I do wish I had a normal life.

I loved CJ. I really and truly did. Now that I think back on it, I'm not sure if I ever told her.

I just can't believe my daughter is gone. Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have let her go to that party that night!

I had a hard time denying her anything because she'd been denied a childhood and I was determined to make it up to her as best I could, even if it meant ignoring my instincts. After all, those years missing from her life were my fault.

I was the one who sent Voyager through the anomaly that brought us home, took away my daughter's childhood, and ultimately caused her death. If I hadn't given the order to travel through that anomaly, she wouldn't have instantly become a teenager and we wouldn't be home. Most importantly, Chakotay and I wouldn't be mourning for our fourteen year old daughter who was only in this universe for two short years.

Chakotay insists that it isn't my fault and that there was no way for me to know, but there was. I had a feeling and I should've paid attention to it.

I know he's hurting deeply; he was much closer to CJ than I was. It amazes me that he's able to be so strong when he's hurting so badly. I'm incredibly grateful for this because I'd never be able to handle my only child's death alone.

I fell apart when I saw the security and the medical personnel on the computer screen at midnight, an hour after CJ was supposed to be home....

"Love, when did you tell CJ to be home by?" Chakotay asked me as we cuddled together on the couch.

"Eleven. Why?" I responded lazily.

"It's almost midnight, Kathryn. She's an hour late," he pointed out, already untangling himself from me and climbing off the couch.

I shivered, my body missing his warmth. Before I could say anything, however, our computer terminal let us know someone was trying to reach us. "See, Chakotay?" I said, walking over to the machine. "That's probably CJ right now."

Plastering my best annoyed mother look on my face, I opened the communications link, only to see several gold-shouldered and several blue-shouldered people instead of my daughter.

"Captain," said one, "there's been an accident."

No parent should ever have to hear those words or the ones that are always sure to follow.

"We regret to inform you that your daughter, CJ Janeway, is dead. We need you to come and identify the body. We are sorry for your loss."

That was it, so he closed the link. I kept sitting there, though, tears streaming down my face. When I heard Chakotay come up behind me, I leaped from the chair into his arms and sobbed into his chest.

"Chakotay...CJ is...dead. We have to go...identify the body."

After holding each other and crying for a long time, he said, "You stay here, I'll go."

Sniffling, I shook my head. "No, this is something we have to do together."

CJ died and I don't think I ever told her I loved her. That's why I'm here, on my knees, tracing those words in the dirt that was just placed over her grave.

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